Why Do We Have Trouble Letting Go?

“Letting go gives us freedom, and freedom is the only condition for happiness. If, in our heart, we still cling to anything – anger, anxiety, or possessions – we cannot be free.” -Thich Nhat Hanh

Letting go of the past, a relationship or actual physical objects is one of the hardest things to do. We hold on even though we know it’s time to let go. Why? Understanding the why will help you to finally let go. In this post you will learn why we have trouble letting go. The next post will be about 5 ways that will help you to let go.

So why do we have trouble letting go? Attachment is one reason we have trouble letting go. My attachment to my son is causing me trouble when it comes to letting my son go. I’ve been holding on to my 23 year old son, even though it’s time to let him go be his own person and live on his own. I realized that I’ve been holding on because of these worries: How will he live? Where will he live? Will he be able to live on his own without my help? He has always been needy and a late bloomer. How did my parents let me go? I was their only child. So it must have been hard. They were always great about letting me learn things on my own. That’s what I need to do with him. He needs to learn on his own now, and grow his own wings.

Another reason we have trouble letting go is expectations. We expect certain outcomes and when they don’t happen we get disappointed. If we don’t let go we won’t get disappointed. Learning to not expect an outcome will help with letting go. I have an expectation that my son won’t make it on his own, so therefore I won’t let go.

Control. We all want to control the outcomes of our lives. You can’t control everything, especially others. I can’t control what my son does. Ultimately my son has to make his own decisions and I can’t control what those are. I have to trust that what I have taught him about life comes through in his decisions.  

We are hard on ourselves for feeling the way we do, knowing we need to let go and not having enough courage to do so.  Letting go doesn’t just mean you are letting go of a physical object.  You could be letting go of thoughts or concepts.  Have compassion for yourself for letting go of these. I need to have compassion for my son’s situation and problems, but I also need to have compassion for myself as I work through the steps of letting my son go.  

Finally, take a step back and actually look at what you are letting go and why.  Be grateful for the good qualities, and the time you spent. Focus on those aspects of the situation.  Just because I’m letting my son go doesn’t mean I don’t love him.  I’m just letting go of the situation. I know it’s hard but you can do this! 

Now that you have learned why you don’t want to let go it will make it easier to go through the steps of actually letting go (read my next blog entry).  Here is a meditation to help you let go.